SLOW Down

In less than 4 months I'll be walking down the aisle and becoming Mrs. James Rowe! Wow it's hard to believe that James and I have been dating now for 3 1/2 years! And in a few short months we will be husband and wife. One of the things I have struggled with throughout my dating life is how to maintain my individuality and still be part of a couple. How do you balance a relationship and still maintain interests outside of the relationship? How do you keep from being consumed by the relationship? It's something I've struggled with for years and have seen friends struggle with. It's like I have all these different things pulling me in different directions! There's teaching, family, friends, spending time with James, independent Bible studies, group Bible studies... for someone who values her alone time I've become so busy with other stuff that I've neglected to take time to recharge my batteries.. probably so much that an incident today that normally wouldn't have upset me... sent me off the deep end and into tears... I found myself all alone today following worship service... all my friends had rushed off to lunch and there I was standing all alone in the foyer of the worship center... no one asked if I was going to lunch or if I'd like to join them... it was rather a strange feeling, because you see it's been so long since I had felt this way... for the last 3 years except for a few weekends here and there James has always been there to go to lunch with... and even before that there was a group of friends to go out with... and before that it never bothered me to be by myself for lunch... but as I've gotten further and further away from my solitude I've become more and more dependent upon others. And I wonder what happened to my balance... I need that time of solitude that's been sacrificed to doing instead of being.... I have friends who thrive on business, who always have to "check" their calendars before committing to a lunch or dinner date or even a cup of coffee... but that's not me... or at least it hasn't been me...I recently looked back at my calendar and found almost every weekend filled with some sort of activity or event... I've lost my balance.... I've neglected taking a "sabbath" and I wonder how with all that has to be done in the next few months will I find that balance...My morning devotionals have lately been done out of habit rather than desire... I go through the motions of my daily life almost on auto pilot wondering when I'll have just one day to do absolutely nothing! I feel that have become so busy that not only am I neglecting taking care of myself but I'm neglecting my relationship with God... I wonder how do you do it... how do you balance everything... where do you find your alone time... where do you find the time to just be?

Born Again American

A friend of mine sent me a link to this... it is very moving..

The Special Needs Child

This week has been very rough. It's been one of those weeks when I begin to wonder if teaching is what God really wants me to do. Am I in the right place? Am I doing a good job? I'm sure every teacher has those kind of weeks. My breakdown came on Tuesday. Pretty much a day like any other day, got up, went to school and began working with the children in my class. They are usually a pretty normal bunch of 5 year olds but that day I felt like I was drowning. It felt like they weren't listening. It seemed that they did nothing they were asked to do. It felt like I wasn't even speaking and that they had forgotten everything they had been taught over the past months. One child in particular was being particularly frustrating. We'll call her K. Now you have to understand that on K's best days she is a challenge to work with. K has a special needs brother and sometimes despite K's parents best efforts the special needs sibling demands most of their attention and she doesn't get much attention. So Tuesday was one of those days that K and I were really not on the same page. We were stuck in a power struggle... and she was winning. By the time I took my lunch break I was nearly in tears. Feeling pretty sorry for myself I have to say... doing the whole pity party thing.. complaining to co-workers the whole nine yards and then I went to the parking lot and talked to God.. I just laid it all out there... poured out all my feelings of helplessness and frustration and then I went and poured it all out to my director. Had myself a good cry on her shoulder and got some of the feelings out so that I could at least finish the day. Well K and I made it through the rest of the week in one piece and tonight as I was sitting here playing some silly game I had an epiphany or perhaps it was God speaking to me. This thought came into my mind... K is a special needs child too... she may not having a physical disability that you can see but deep in her heart she has special needs too. She needs your love... for you to love her like I love you... She needs your hugs... She needs your patience... She needs your mercy... She needs you to listen! Not exactly the answer I was looking for there God. You know I was thinking more along the lines of "You poor baby" "your having such a rough time" you know sympathy.. and what I got was the realization that I am special needs child... we are all God's special needs children... I may not throw myself down on the floor and cry and scream like K does or roll around on the floor instead of sitting in my chair like K does to get attention but I do other things that express my need for attention that probably looks like throwing a tantrum to God. But does He ever push me away when my behavior is inappropriate.. No He stands there with His arms open waiting for me to come back to Him... When I "kick, scream, cry and throw a fit" He is waiting there to gather me up in His arms... loving me and taking me back every time... His love is unconditional. He loves me no matter what.. Not just when I'm "sitting in the chair" and doing what He tells me to... He loves me even when I'm in the midst of a tantrum... even when I'm at my most unlovable... He loves me and pleads with me to come back to Him... May He give me that kind of love to show to K. I pray that the next time she throws a fit... instead of reacting with frustration, that I will act with love... that I will take the time to give her one more hug, a kind word, let her sit on my lap for that extra few minutes... I pray that I will love her daily the way the Lord loves me.. unconditionally and fully.
Do you have a "special needs" child? Are you a "special needs" child? Well take heart God loves His special needs children and wants us to love them too.

something to share!

Give Me Your Eyes

A month or so ago I was driving down the road listening to the radio... not an unusual pasttime for me and this song came on the radio... And it spoke to me... It has become one of my favorite songs. It is by Brandon Heath and the name of the song is "Give Me Your Eyes". It expresses the thoughts that have been going through my head so eloquently.






"Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
yeah yeah yeah yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
yeah yeah yeah yeah

I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

Chorus
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
yeah yeah yeah yeah

The words of this song speak to me... urging me to open up my eyes and really look at those around me... not through them or over them... but to really look at them and to see them as God sees them... with love and mercy... how He sees me...Please Lord, help me to see everyone with Your eyes and to love them the way you love me"

Give Thanks to the Lord

Give thanks to the Lord, His love endures forever.....

This song has been running through my head all day. As I lay quietly in my bed tonight I began to really think about the words to this song. Music has always been a way for me to express my emotions, which is rather strange since I am not at all musically inclined. I play no musical instrument(other than the radio or cd player) and though I try my best to sing on key more often than not I'm just a fraction or more off, but the words in different songs always speak to me. I am constantly in awe of people who write songs, people who can sing songs on key, and people who play musical instruments. Today the words to this song and hearing it sung so beautifully by human voices was so awe inspiring that it struck me harder than usual so that I really paid attention to the words as we lifted the song up to the Lord. It's not an unusual song for us to sing during a worship service or even a new song I've just learned, but for some reason the words struck a chord with me today. As I lay in bed a few minutes ago I began to think about how easy it is to accept giving thanks to the Lord, but how difficult it is to believe His love endures forever!

The dictionary defines the word forever as "for eternity; for always; endlessly, at all times; always" This is such a hard concept for my small brain to accept...eternity? I have a hard time with tomorrow... for always? really? even in my most difficult times? endlessly? I can't even imagine something with no end... at all times? even when I sin? even when I am not loving towards others? even when I'm at my worst? ALWAYS? I think the reason I have such a hard time with this concept is because I struggle with loving those in my life always. It is so hard as a human to understand that God loves me no matter what. Because I have a hard time continuing to love those in my life who are at times difficult. And since I know that the Lord knows I am difficult most of the time, it's hard for me to accept that He loves me always. It's an issue that I have struggled with for a long time. I think at times I even challenged God by behaving badly... tested Him you might say... to see if what He says is really true... Hey Lord watch this... can you love me after this? I seem to say...

Each day I struggle with accepting that He does love me, that He will love me and that He will always love me. And that all He asks in return is that I love Him, that I believe in Him and that I strive daily to do His will. That He loved me enough to send His only Son to die on a cross for me is so humbling and challenges me to love those in my life that I find it difficult to love or even be in the same room with. I pray that as I go through the days ahead of me that I will take each moment as it comes and for that moment I will attempt to love those whom God places in my path... I know it won't come easily but I pray that He will open my eyes to those around me that I might open my heart for a moment and love that person the way God loves me.. and even though I don't understand the concept of forever.. I can try to love that person in that moment the same way that God loves me eternally.

Thank You Lord

There's a song I love to sing called "Thank You Lord" and it starts like this...
"Thank you Lord for loving me and thank you Lord for blessing me, thank you Lord for making me whole and saving my soul." I love that song...The words of that song have always resonated with me.
I don't know why, but I awoke at 4:00 this morning with this song going through my head and as I do most times when something like this happens... I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep... well as you can see rolling over didn't work so well... so it's now 4:30 and here I sit... recline actually in my bed, typing on my laptop (Thank you Lord for sending people like Lara and Bruce into my life who besides fixing laptops do so much more to enrich my life.) Have you ever sat and wondered why this person or that person is in your life... well I'm a firm believer that the Lord sends people into our lives for a specific reason or season of our lives... some are just here briefly, but they touch our lives in such a way that we will never forget them and the impact they have on our lives goes with us throughout the rest of our lives. Others that He sends, stay with us longer, they walk with us daily, they are there through the joys and the sorrows, the laughter and the tears, the ups and downs on this roller coaster called life. A friend of mine recently lost her father and her brother in less that six months. I cannot even imagine how she and her family feel after losing 2 such vital members of their family.. but I know that the father and brother have made an impact on not only her life but on the lives of each person they met, no matter how briefly or how long they knew them. Kathryn's story is still being written and the events of the last 6 months happened for a reason. The impact of losing 2 loved ones in such a short amount of time will be with her for the rest of her life, but I know that God will use this tragedy to help her to minister to someone one day in such a way that the other persons life will be permanently changed. So Thank you Lord for making us whole and saving our souls. We may not always understand, but we stand, we wait and we trust in You always to lead us. We know that You carry us in Your hands and cover us with Your love, surrounding us daily with Your peace. Thank you Father!
P.S. now I'm going back to sleep.. if the Lord will let me :)